“Introducing the next generation of Tin Foil Hat: The Plastifoil Hat 2.0!”

(Applause)

“Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen, the government has created a new method of mind invasion technique. You can usually recognize when the government is trying to invade your mind. Here’s how: Look for a yellowish or cream-colored airborne mist or discoloration. Unless you are wearing your Plastifoil Hat, as I am demonstrating here, you run the risk of this mist entering through the ear canal. Once inside, the device will begin transmitting your thoughts to a local government office.

“Our customers asked for a new feature, and we listened! Now if the mind invasion mist enters your head — that’s okay! — because wearing the 2.0 Plastifoil Hat means transmissions are blocked before they ever leave your skull! That’s right!

“From now until February 31st, we are offering a special upgrade price of only…buh buh buh skeezikshmen blarghik hap hap hap saisy wok woo wok woo…”

“So I couldn’t find a hat, but then I went to put the trash out…”

“I’d like to play a song called ‘bubble boy’”

“I’ll show you who’s full of hot air!”